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Encarnacion!!! November 3, 2006

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Funny and True! September 27, 2006

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Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right?” Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, “That hurt, you stupid idiot?”

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE……
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, then it’s you!!
 

The Best Signs in the World! August 6, 2006

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Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
 
In a Podiatrist's office: 
"Time wounds all heels."
 
On a Septic Tank Truck in  
Oregon:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels" 
      

On a Septic Tank Truck:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
 
At a Proctologist's door: 
"To expedite your visit please back in."
 
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed." 
 
On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
 
Pizza Shop Slogan: 
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
 
At a Tire Shop in  
Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
 
On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?" 
 
At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
 
On an Electrician's truck: 
"Let us remove your shorts."
 
In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are 
on fire and take appropriate action."
 
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
 
At an Optometrist's Office :
"If you don't see what you're looking for, 
you've come to the right place."
      

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
 
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive." 
 
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - 
miss a car payment."
 
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
 
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
 
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.  
However, if you don't, you will be."
 
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, 
Come on in and get fed up." 
 
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
 
At a Propane Filling Station, 
"Thank heaven for little grills."
 
At a  
Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

____________________________________

Check out my new book!

http://www.DynamicOnlineSuccess.com 

It’s Becoming a Way of Life! June 7, 2006

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Dancing Fools! May 26, 2006

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My new dancing idols! 

Smart Phone Booth May 18, 2006

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Hey…I think I've been in one of these before! 

Toot Tone Remedy May 18, 2006

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Nothing but harmonious gas to brighten your day! 

Raising Boys May 2, 2006

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The following came from an anonymous Mother in
Alpharetta, GeorgiaThings I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. Ft house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate
A 42 pound Boy wearing a Spiderman outfit.  It is strong enough, however, if tied to a
Paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 ft. Room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.  When using a ceiling
Fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan
Can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7) When you hear the toilet flush and the words uh oh, it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they
Can only do it in the movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject PB & J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Alpharetta, GA has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy. 22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

Those who pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without
Boys do it because:

A) For those with no children – this is totally hysterical!
B) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
C) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
D) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
E) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

Dumb Cyclist April 19, 2006

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This is the epitome of, 'You MESSED UP!!!!!' 

19 Ways To Maintain Your Insanity April 17, 2006

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1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.  

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that. 

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In." 

5. Put Decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso. 

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling Diamonds" 

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance WithThe Prophecy." 

8. Dont use any punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk. 

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go." 

12. Sing Along At The Opera. 

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme 

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day. 

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood. 

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, 'Rock Bottom'. 

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!" 

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!" 

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To TheEconomy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."